Days 4 & 5

So, either it’s sorta insomnia or my first side effect. I’m tired. Very tired and I can’t seem to sleep. I’m fidgety and cannot get comfortable. Not for the life of me.

However the positive thinking thing is not going too badly. Still having the ups and downs but for the most part I’m pretty well at this. I just don’t think about what a shitty holiday season it is right now.

I actually had to ask my parents for a small loan. This part time bullshit is not cutting it any more. I either need my hours back or I need to get the fuck out of there. Just no where seems to be interested in me. C’est la vie. C’est la fucking vie.

Day 2 & 3

Things remain about the same. I feel a bit more down now and then and of course I have my up moments as well. I don’t seem restless nor have I lost my appetite or anything. I even drank a bit last night. I’m limiting my alcohol consumption rather drastically.

Things remain much the same. Work is done till post holidays. I have plenty to do to get ready for christmas, etc. I have nothing much really to say but I want to note that I feel pretty much the same. How long does it take for this shit to start working?

Day one

Today is the first day. I’m taking Zoloft now. We’ll see over the following days. Of course thus far, two doses in, I have no side effects. For that matter of fact, I’ve had no positive results thus far. I don’t have unreasonable expectations for it to be a miracle drug, so no disappointment there. If so I would fear a placebo effect. Yes I had a fantastic day yesterday. Mostly because I was rather proud of myself taking this first step.

Things have got to improve. I’m done with this job as soon as I can find anything else. If something opens up around here I’ll work it till I can find a way the fuck out and to her.

Dread

I’m dreading tomorrow and the next day. Those are my only real obstacles. I have a sale soon. Tuesday. Not Thursday. God how I dread this wretched thing. I wake up at 4 a.m. and won’t be getting home till 7 p.m. My day will be spent running around in a panic. Doing lots of pointless things in the cold rain. I will be sick afterward I am 99% certain. I just need to make it through this.

A little chemical assistance.

I think it’s time. I’m not getting through this on my own. I’ve come to a point where I am actually concerned about myself. I’ve been in this mood for ages now. I rarely laugh. I have a difficulty finding humor in the things I used to frequently laugh at. Thusly, I will be going to my doctor on Wednesday. I’m going to ask for a psych referral. Just talking about it isn’t going to do the trick though. I don’t easily open up and I rarely get to the heart of the matter concerning myself. Maybe I should just see if my doctor could just prescribe me something? I really don’t know. I suppose I’ll see how it goes the day of the event. I just need to stop feeling so down all the time. I just need a small hand up. I’ve stopped drinking and I’ve tried sleeping full nights but nothing. I get a random momentary reprieve from this but it never lasts long.

My humor was/is a coping mechanism. I’m having difficulty with that even these days. I feel the strain on my relationships with people. There are far more awkward silences than there used to be. I’ve told Laura. I suppose I’m telling anyone who swings by, via this. I don’t really care to keep it a secret. Mostly as it is not. I know I will warn others of any possible mood changes that will be upcoming in the near future. I just don’t feel much like talking about anything with hardly anyone. I know RM probably has noticed my apparent absence. I care more about those people than I do anyone other than Laura. I just don’t want to be a bother on anyone.

I almost feel it.

I had a whole lot to say but I just can’t right now. Maybe I’ll come back to it.

Alone

On think I’ve loved and hated about myself, since I realized it at least, was that I’m a loner. I like being alone. I’m at times a self made outcast. I don’t let myself get close. If I make that mistake I find ways to shut myself off.

I alienate my friends. I shut them out, stop talking to them, don’t return calls, etc. I don’t know why. I hate myself for that. I like keeping a set of friends that are close but at arms length. I have been know to say the most awful thing possible to people. Many of you have witnessed that.

I love her. I really do. I’ve never loved anyone like that. I don’t know if I have it in me to love another like I do her. My heart breaks thinking about the time I am away from her.

I just have one fear that I’m going to manage to fuck it up somehow. I fear nothing from her. Yep, I trust someone. Trust her completely and entirely. I don’t even trust myself.

Fuck me, you piece of shit. Don’t fuck this up. Maybe get some help you bastard.

Religion

I made a comment about religion today. It’s done nothing but make me stew. It got under my skin the more and more I think about it.

I am no longer affiliated with a religion. I don’t have one, I don’t have a doctrine of faith. I consider myself curious. Before I lost my faith I considered the Bible as merely a series of stories, used to teach.

I feel that though they may have been used to teach, they have been taken as far more than that. Horrors have been committed in the name of God, Allah and hundreds of other deities. People have been persecuted, tortured and killed for simply not believing the same as another.

I realize some people find strength and a personal connection through their faith. I applaud them for it. I sincerely hope that they do not use it as a crutch in an argument or to ostracize another.

I really don’t know where I was going with this. I do realize that there may be a god. It’s conceivable that there is some greater being that created everything. I do however believe in evolution. I believe in science and fact. I believe in myself. I do not believe this is some “loving God” who is going to throw us into a fiery pit for all eternity after death for not being a dogmatic sheep.

I’m going to stop here before I make myself angry. I hope if you read this, it touches you in some way. Maybe it will make you stop and think. Maybe your god is out there and does value you. I doubt that they want you to look down on another or follow some dogmatic law that makes no sense.

We’re all human beings. It’s about time we treated each other as such. Maybe start treating yourself as such.

Don’t give a fuck.

Listen, I don’t care about your problems. That is why you’re getting one word answers from me. Simplicity at best? I think so. I’ll be honest with you and give you my opinion when it really really matters but for the most of it I couldn’t give a shit about your little make believe drama you’ve invented in your head!

I know we used to be great friends. That was before you turned into the whiny emo who has it so much worse off than everyone else. Did you realize I’m not the only one who’s sick of your shit? All of the “friends” we have in common, your parents AND YOUR BROTHER! You’re a spoiled brat. It wasn’t that evident before you went all mopey but it sure as shit is now.

Oh no, your free ride is over. Congrats you made it to 25 and your parents still provide everything for you. You fucking leech. Don’t bitch to me that they don’t want to buy you this or that. I don’t care. You don’t deserve a damn bit of it. You have NEVER worked a real job a day in your life. Ugh, I’m just done with this.

{pointless}

There is no point in this, any of this. It’s all futile.

Some days I feel like there is a point to this. Then I get a hard slap to the face from reality. Yet, I will get up and try it again. I should just give up on this all and move on. Learn to be happy doing something else. I don’t wish to change occupation however until after May. Even then, maybe I should just plan ahead and move elsewhere.

I don’t want to do something rash and move to where she can’t. Hell, can I even afford to just pick up and move at this point? I don’t know. I just wonder. Where would I move? What would I do? Could I maybe get into animation work? Maybe failing that I could get into graphic design? Speaking of which I need to work on both portfolios more.

Bah, this is enough.